Yes, the start of the title is ironic. I am being purposefully defiant here. Many may say "is" should be "are" but this is side-tracking from the purpose of this discussion into idiots. But I'd like to say hello to Dan, my one and only follower (who I already know, it's not just some guy.) This blog however is for anyone who finds it, so read what you like or skip on, but thanks for stopping by.
Firstly I know there is a hefty gap between blog 9 and 10. What is the cause in such a delay? Family issues? Work? No. Laziness which is entirely within my character. I am lazy but mean well. As my twitter account also shows a big gap, from September, and have only just posted some garbage about what I'm doing not too long ago.
This discussion into idiots goes back some weeks. I have to get the bus to get to university (it takes about 35 minutes) and since I sometimes have a 10 o'clock start I have to be up around 7:30. If I were to walk I'd have to be up around 3:30-4:00 which in reality scares me.
What with getting the same bus ever morning the same people are around and they sit in the same seats (it is basically like Groundhog Day). During winter I sit on the left nearest the engine as it is much warmer. All tips are in my book "Bus Survival for Beginners." The same people get on it everyday and sometimes a new person gets on, and I see the regulars glance in their direction (I know this becuase I too am one) judging them seeing if they are fit to join our little gang. What I do love is that this bus is quiet which is a joy. No pleb with techno-whattsit banging out their phone. No trouser tucking in the socks indiviuals here. Most new people are welcomed to the group. They sit, they mind their own business, they read, they listen to their i-pod (at a volume level suitable for them but at a level which is silent and respectful for fellow passengers) which is how it should be.
But this daily (except weekends) routine was disrupted by a man. Oh yes. A man. Him and a friend got on and argued on how the bus was too late. OK, that's a pretty annoying thing but 20 minutes on he still was fuming.
Bsically he liked to say the f word on a far more frequent basis than anyone I've ever heard. (insert whatever Gordon Ramsey joke comes to mind first) I don't swear on this blog beacuse I'm kind knowing anyone could read it so in substitute I'll say "cake", which too makes it hopefully ever so slightly humourous.
I quote: "This is caking stupid. The caking bus should be here at quarter past for cakes sake. It's twenty five to and I've got washing out and it's lemonading down for cakes sake. They don't know what they are caking doing these caking hampers." for about 25 minutes.
But here comes the moronic bit that made me want to shout at this guy. I'm sure there have been moments in all our lives where someone has done something and we imagine what we'd like to do rather than do it. Only later do we think we have the courage to actually do it by which time it is too late.
This *&^% said: "What was the point of these caking kids. They're caking everywhere. They're all over the caking street. I wish they'd cake off the little cakers."
I wanted to shout: "Don't use "was" you *&^%, that is only used in the past tense, you're in the bloody present!" That and: "You are next to a caking school AND college you caking cake."
Then he got off the bus, tripped over his own misery and fell in a neatly laid patch of of dog poo and died. Wait... part of that I dreamed. You can decide which bit.
Anyway, I've released some rage and I'll build it up for the next blog, expect late March 2010.
In the meantime if you do stop by, please do sign my petition, read some of my short comedy correspondants and read my reviews on Ents24, my latest a review of the great comedian Daniel Kitson. Yes, what a shameful plug. Off to listen to We Are Scientists.
Sunday, 8 November 2009
Wednesday, 2 September 2009
Sector 9: A Little Review of the 09 Edinburgh Festival
If the title "A Little Review of the 09 Edinburgh Festival" doesn't get the message across, then nothing probably ever will. I visited this years Edinburgh festival having been to the fringe since 2007 and I'm going to try and do a detailed review of the shows I saw over the two days I spent at the festival.
Now I'm going to write (or try to aim at) at least a paragraph on each of the shows as a small review, though I will say this; they are all positive as I did enjoy them. If you're a big comedy buff, you'll know why.
One of the tips the festival hands out every year is "Go and see shows you wouldn't normally see." This is a nice idea and was shouted out in the streets by one of the 1,000,000,000,000,000 leafleters. If you can walk down the main street and avoid being handed a leaflet, consider that very rare. Some guy in a cape shouted "See more than you can at this years fringe. Widen your horizon with dance, comedy, art and music," and behind him (not necessarily with him) was a girl with one of those ballet sticks with the long pink ribbon. Next to her was a Frenchman standing on a ball. Moving on...
The shows I saw are listed in the order they were seen. So on we go.
Day 1
The Early Edition - Underbelly
Hosted by Marcus Brigstocke with Andre Vincent. That's all I can say. Technical difficulty, show cancelled.
---
Just A Minute - Pleasance Grand
I saw two episodes of Just A Minute, but each show had different guests. After the producer said a few words, he welcomed Nicholas Parsons on stage. Everyone smiled and clapped for him and he welcomed regulars and good players Sue Perkins and Paul Merton, 'Whose Line Is It Anyway' regular Mike McShane and stand-up Paul Sinha. Sue and Paul stole the show being able to talk for 30-40 seconds without being challenged. McShane managed to come up with a few quick jokes, while another panellist was on the topic of ghost writers, the light on the box in front of Nicholas flashed signalling McShane's buzzer but McShane's buzzer hadn't gone off, quickly calling it a ghost challenge. Paul Sinha was a newish (if not new) player to the game and it took a few rounds for him to get in the stride.
---
Even if people had got tickets to see both shows, you still had to leave and cue up again for another 30-40 minutes. I highly recommend a book or i-pod etc. I was listening to music and time flies by so much quicker. Some people stand there doing nothing, no talking or moving or listening and I don't know how they last. Time must drag. If you're with people it isn't too bad but if you go alone which many people do, please take a book or i-pod. And make sure it's charged. It's basic stuff but you'd be surprised how many people forget these kind of things. Having cued again, we went back in. Sometimes you will see the performers walking up the road. If you're quick you can grab an autograph.
---
Just A Minute - Pleasance Grand
With Paul Merton and Sue Perkins again, with stand-ups Richard Herring (still sporting his Hitler moustache) and Janey Godley. Godley was able to laugh at herself with her constant repetition throughout the recording. Herring, a new player kept getting buzzed by Sue Perkins for hesitations. As such, Sue Perkins ended on a flourish finishing the final round without a single challenge, talking for the whole minute. The response of the crowd was phenomenal as it was difficult and rare. Nicholas gave a special thinks to those who saw both shows as he spoke to some people outside in the cue who saw the first recording. A good show to see if in Edinburgh and remember radio tickets are usually free. Just be early to be admitted entry.
---
Mark Thomas: The Manifesto - The Stand Comedy Club III
A small gig of roughly 130ish. The small gigs are often the more fun. It is much more intimate and since it is smaller, you feel like you are seeing a friend rather than an arena sell-out comic. You are more inclined to join in and are free to chat to him during the show as he welcomes contributions. Thomas really expresses his emotions during his show, saying what he loves and hates and when he hates something, he hates it deeply and is motivated to do something. And like most people, he can't wait for Margaret Thatcher to die. Having postcards made which he let the audience take for free after the show, the picture being a newspaper with Thatcher on the front claiming she's dead with ribbons, balloons and champagne. On the back is a checklist of things you might do upon her death. Hold a barbecue wearing a comedy apron or hire someone to throw their voice at her funeral to shout "why is it so dark in here?" During each of his shows he welcomes the audience to come up with policies, to which the best from each show will be discussed at an actual meeting with politicians. Mark Thomas is through, funny, angry and liberal.
---
Day 2
Mark Watson's Earth Summit - The GRV Studio
A personal favourite. Making a name for himself as a famous comedian. His 24 hour stand up shows, his novels but recently his visit to Al Gore's speech on the environment is the purpose of this show. This is basically a comedy version of Al Gore's speech. Watson's show has been the smallest gig I have ever been too, seating 50 at a push. The difference with the small shows are that you're more likely to see the performer before the show. Mark was seen before the show sitting on the stage setting up, talking to a few people in the front row, walking in and out the room talking phone calls five minutes before the show started. It was such a small room you could be at the back and still touch the stage. This alone was fun, but the show could easily have sold out a larger venue. It was a genuinely good show and Watson even suggests the names of websites to visit to get cheaper and more green electricity and gas (http://www.ecotricity.co.uk/ was one of them). Funny, helpful and very friendly.
---
The Unbelievable Truth - Pleasance Grand
Two shows, the same as Just A minute but both recorded in one sitting, so no going out to cue again but the same guests were used for both shows, but with Rhod Gilbert, Reginald D Hunter, Shappi Khorsandi and Adam Hills on the panel you wouldn't want to. And with host David Mitchell, it was practically guaranteed to be good. About 2 1/2 hours both shows lastest and ten minutes from the end people were slowly starting to sneak out in order to get to their next show, but those who stayed were rewarded with laugh after laugh. Each panellist got a fair amount of talking time each outside of their lectures and David Mitchell didn't disappoint the audience for a second. For me David Mitchell has to be one of the funniest men on TV and radio.
---
Frank Skinner's Credit Crunch Cabaret - Assembly & George Street Music Hall
The fact that Frank Skinner compares the show is the real seller, otherwise there would have been some empty seats for certain. Frank starts with 10-15 minutes of stand-up and brings on an assortment of comedy acts, some familiar, some not so. Danielle Ward was introduced first, a occasional guest on Mock the Week and did a fun 15 minutes. The crowd laughed and clapped along happily. Next was an act I can't fully remember the name of. Two men who played comedy songs and live sketches. A new act around, it was really hard for them to win the crowd over. There were a few moments of silence but they carried on so bravo to them for not walking off. There were some funny moments in there but overall they struggled. Next Frank came back and did a battle of the sexes quiz with two members of the audience, the fun came when he picked a 12 year old boy who agreed to go on stage. People were surprised to see a 12 year old at the show as there was swearing etc. Frank then said the night before there was a 9 year old which made it all a bit risky, especially as one of the questions which he decided not to ask was 'What was the Home Secretaries husband found doing?' After the 12 year old won the quiz he won Frank's book and £10. Andrew Lawrence was last on and did a funny set but still said f and c when there were a few youngsters scattered around. Even though the time was a bit late, would it have been hard to edit out some of the swearing? Nevertheless, you can't argue for £10. Frank Skinner was as good as always.
Right, I'm done and that lasted ages and I'll be amazed if anyone actually reads all of this. Thank you if you have.
Now I'm going to write (or try to aim at) at least a paragraph on each of the shows as a small review, though I will say this; they are all positive as I did enjoy them. If you're a big comedy buff, you'll know why.
One of the tips the festival hands out every year is "Go and see shows you wouldn't normally see." This is a nice idea and was shouted out in the streets by one of the 1,000,000,000,000,000 leafleters. If you can walk down the main street and avoid being handed a leaflet, consider that very rare. Some guy in a cape shouted "See more than you can at this years fringe. Widen your horizon with dance, comedy, art and music," and behind him (not necessarily with him) was a girl with one of those ballet sticks with the long pink ribbon. Next to her was a Frenchman standing on a ball. Moving on...
The shows I saw are listed in the order they were seen. So on we go.
Day 1
The Early Edition - Underbelly
Hosted by Marcus Brigstocke with Andre Vincent. That's all I can say. Technical difficulty, show cancelled.
---
Just A Minute - Pleasance Grand
I saw two episodes of Just A Minute, but each show had different guests. After the producer said a few words, he welcomed Nicholas Parsons on stage. Everyone smiled and clapped for him and he welcomed regulars and good players Sue Perkins and Paul Merton, 'Whose Line Is It Anyway' regular Mike McShane and stand-up Paul Sinha. Sue and Paul stole the show being able to talk for 30-40 seconds without being challenged. McShane managed to come up with a few quick jokes, while another panellist was on the topic of ghost writers, the light on the box in front of Nicholas flashed signalling McShane's buzzer but McShane's buzzer hadn't gone off, quickly calling it a ghost challenge. Paul Sinha was a newish (if not new) player to the game and it took a few rounds for him to get in the stride.
---
Even if people had got tickets to see both shows, you still had to leave and cue up again for another 30-40 minutes. I highly recommend a book or i-pod etc. I was listening to music and time flies by so much quicker. Some people stand there doing nothing, no talking or moving or listening and I don't know how they last. Time must drag. If you're with people it isn't too bad but if you go alone which many people do, please take a book or i-pod. And make sure it's charged. It's basic stuff but you'd be surprised how many people forget these kind of things. Having cued again, we went back in. Sometimes you will see the performers walking up the road. If you're quick you can grab an autograph.
---
Just A Minute - Pleasance Grand
With Paul Merton and Sue Perkins again, with stand-ups Richard Herring (still sporting his Hitler moustache) and Janey Godley. Godley was able to laugh at herself with her constant repetition throughout the recording. Herring, a new player kept getting buzzed by Sue Perkins for hesitations. As such, Sue Perkins ended on a flourish finishing the final round without a single challenge, talking for the whole minute. The response of the crowd was phenomenal as it was difficult and rare. Nicholas gave a special thinks to those who saw both shows as he spoke to some people outside in the cue who saw the first recording. A good show to see if in Edinburgh and remember radio tickets are usually free. Just be early to be admitted entry.
---
Mark Thomas: The Manifesto - The Stand Comedy Club III
A small gig of roughly 130ish. The small gigs are often the more fun. It is much more intimate and since it is smaller, you feel like you are seeing a friend rather than an arena sell-out comic. You are more inclined to join in and are free to chat to him during the show as he welcomes contributions. Thomas really expresses his emotions during his show, saying what he loves and hates and when he hates something, he hates it deeply and is motivated to do something. And like most people, he can't wait for Margaret Thatcher to die. Having postcards made which he let the audience take for free after the show, the picture being a newspaper with Thatcher on the front claiming she's dead with ribbons, balloons and champagne. On the back is a checklist of things you might do upon her death. Hold a barbecue wearing a comedy apron or hire someone to throw their voice at her funeral to shout "why is it so dark in here?" During each of his shows he welcomes the audience to come up with policies, to which the best from each show will be discussed at an actual meeting with politicians. Mark Thomas is through, funny, angry and liberal.
---
Day 2
Mark Watson's Earth Summit - The GRV Studio
A personal favourite. Making a name for himself as a famous comedian. His 24 hour stand up shows, his novels but recently his visit to Al Gore's speech on the environment is the purpose of this show. This is basically a comedy version of Al Gore's speech. Watson's show has been the smallest gig I have ever been too, seating 50 at a push. The difference with the small shows are that you're more likely to see the performer before the show. Mark was seen before the show sitting on the stage setting up, talking to a few people in the front row, walking in and out the room talking phone calls five minutes before the show started. It was such a small room you could be at the back and still touch the stage. This alone was fun, but the show could easily have sold out a larger venue. It was a genuinely good show and Watson even suggests the names of websites to visit to get cheaper and more green electricity and gas (http://www.ecotricity.co.uk/ was one of them). Funny, helpful and very friendly.
---
The Unbelievable Truth - Pleasance Grand
Two shows, the same as Just A minute but both recorded in one sitting, so no going out to cue again but the same guests were used for both shows, but with Rhod Gilbert, Reginald D Hunter, Shappi Khorsandi and Adam Hills on the panel you wouldn't want to. And with host David Mitchell, it was practically guaranteed to be good. About 2 1/2 hours both shows lastest and ten minutes from the end people were slowly starting to sneak out in order to get to their next show, but those who stayed were rewarded with laugh after laugh. Each panellist got a fair amount of talking time each outside of their lectures and David Mitchell didn't disappoint the audience for a second. For me David Mitchell has to be one of the funniest men on TV and radio.
---
Frank Skinner's Credit Crunch Cabaret - Assembly & George Street Music Hall
The fact that Frank Skinner compares the show is the real seller, otherwise there would have been some empty seats for certain. Frank starts with 10-15 minutes of stand-up and brings on an assortment of comedy acts, some familiar, some not so. Danielle Ward was introduced first, a occasional guest on Mock the Week and did a fun 15 minutes. The crowd laughed and clapped along happily. Next was an act I can't fully remember the name of. Two men who played comedy songs and live sketches. A new act around, it was really hard for them to win the crowd over. There were a few moments of silence but they carried on so bravo to them for not walking off. There were some funny moments in there but overall they struggled. Next Frank came back and did a battle of the sexes quiz with two members of the audience, the fun came when he picked a 12 year old boy who agreed to go on stage. People were surprised to see a 12 year old at the show as there was swearing etc. Frank then said the night before there was a 9 year old which made it all a bit risky, especially as one of the questions which he decided not to ask was 'What was the Home Secretaries husband found doing?' After the 12 year old won the quiz he won Frank's book and £10. Andrew Lawrence was last on and did a funny set but still said f and c when there were a few youngsters scattered around. Even though the time was a bit late, would it have been hard to edit out some of the swearing? Nevertheless, you can't argue for £10. Frank Skinner was as good as always.
Right, I'm done and that lasted ages and I'll be amazed if anyone actually reads all of this. Thank you if you have.
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Stage eight: Yet more cons to technology causing me a lost (but seriously wanted) profile boost
Today I had a big chance to boost my profile, but thanks to my e-mail not working for some reason I have no clue to, I missed a possible interview on Radio 5 live about my comedy writing. The subject: "Discussing the prequel to Only Fools and Horses being in production and how plundering old ideas affects new up and coming comedy writers like yourself."
What a chance this was for me to get myself heard; on radio, a format where people listen to you, and where your opinions are heard and discussed.
This morning (by which this time it is very nearly tomorrow), after typing up some sketches that I and a friend writer had wrote a few days previous, I finished at around 11 and left to go do other things (incidentlly, move some breeze blocks). My computer works as follows:
1. Wait for it to load.
2. Once loaded, switch on e-mail.
3. Put in memory stick
4. Write some stuff until stuff is done.
5. Click safely remove hardware button to safely release memory stick.
6. "NO" says computer. All open tabs, links, etc must be closed down before hardware can be safely be removed.
7. Oh God, what a farce but I suppose I best be safe. I don't want any of my stuff deleted or lost.
8. Close everything down, safely remove hardware.
9. Switch on e-mail again. It doesn't work. Its take either a day of leaving it or rebooting the computer for it to "maybe" stand a chance of the e-mail working again. Can't be arsed with rebooting again. Put it on hibernate. Leave it until later.
Came back at about 2 o'clock, still not working. Back at 8 to check again, not expecting anything to work but I thought "what the hell, I'll have a look." As if to spite me, my e-mails popped up as if to say "And where have been you moron! This has been waiting for you."
It was an e-mail from the BBC, a broadcasting journalist asking if I want to be interviewed. "Yes" I thought but the time said 1900 hours today. Secretly I hate this method of telling time as I still have to look at my watch and count from 12 to 1 (13), 2 (14), 3 (15), up to whatever number matches the given time. 1900 is 7. Damn! Too late. I missed what to me was a golden chance, an opportunity for me to be in the spotlight for a brief moment and get my already tiny profile boosted a tiny bit more. A few more twitter followers. My second blog follower. But in the end it came back to technology. The computer. My e-mail. My !"£$%^&* e-mail. (choose for yourself what the !"£$%^&* means.)
I like to try and have a ending message to my blogs... but there isn't one. I'm just angry, that's it.
Not even thinking of kittens makes me happy right now. Nope, not even when they are sat in a large novelty slipper. Just got to wait 'til next time and take my chances.
Goodnight and goodbye.
What a chance this was for me to get myself heard; on radio, a format where people listen to you, and where your opinions are heard and discussed.
This morning (by which this time it is very nearly tomorrow), after typing up some sketches that I and a friend writer had wrote a few days previous, I finished at around 11 and left to go do other things (incidentlly, move some breeze blocks). My computer works as follows:
1. Wait for it to load.
2. Once loaded, switch on e-mail.
3. Put in memory stick
4. Write some stuff until stuff is done.
5. Click safely remove hardware button to safely release memory stick.
6. "NO" says computer. All open tabs, links, etc must be closed down before hardware can be safely be removed.
7. Oh God, what a farce but I suppose I best be safe. I don't want any of my stuff deleted or lost.
8. Close everything down, safely remove hardware.
9. Switch on e-mail again. It doesn't work. Its take either a day of leaving it or rebooting the computer for it to "maybe" stand a chance of the e-mail working again. Can't be arsed with rebooting again. Put it on hibernate. Leave it until later.
Came back at about 2 o'clock, still not working. Back at 8 to check again, not expecting anything to work but I thought "what the hell, I'll have a look." As if to spite me, my e-mails popped up as if to say "And where have been you moron! This has been waiting for you."
It was an e-mail from the BBC, a broadcasting journalist asking if I want to be interviewed. "Yes" I thought but the time said 1900 hours today. Secretly I hate this method of telling time as I still have to look at my watch and count from 12 to 1 (13), 2 (14), 3 (15), up to whatever number matches the given time. 1900 is 7. Damn! Too late. I missed what to me was a golden chance, an opportunity for me to be in the spotlight for a brief moment and get my already tiny profile boosted a tiny bit more. A few more twitter followers. My second blog follower. But in the end it came back to technology. The computer. My e-mail. My !"£$%^&* e-mail. (choose for yourself what the !"£$%^&* means.)
I like to try and have a ending message to my blogs... but there isn't one. I'm just angry, that's it.
Not even thinking of kittens makes me happy right now. Nope, not even when they are sat in a large novelty slipper. Just got to wait 'til next time and take my chances.
Goodnight and goodbye.
Thursday, 18 June 2009
Segment 7: Technology - The pros and cons but in this case mostly cons.
As a start, I don't know who is reading this so I've put in as little swearing as I can and if there is any it is pretty mild. I'm always being thoughtful. But I could put in a big swear right here for a joke but I'll deny myself the cheap laugh. So let me get the muffin of a topic 'technology' out of the way.
Technology is a fool. It is the court jester prancing around thinking itself to be the icing on what is frankly a disgustingly vile and horribly foul cake which causes immediate obesity.
Technology to be fair is great but causes to me, great stress. Yes it may have given us firstly sound then picture then colour and now HD which is brilliant for things like travel documentaries, but the technology that leaves a turd on my front step is the computer.
How we originally had a black screen and green text which probably gave people illness from just looking at it and the thumping clack of the keyboard. Which back then people thought was the future. How weird must "Space: 1999" look today? I hate, absolutely hate, the useless, crappy, showy-off paper clip that says "You've made an error you pillock. How about this instead which any sensible person would've done anyway." Then it prats about and shows off by morphing into a bike or a book like it were Ditto from Pokemon (or for the older generation, Morph, from 'Morph'). It starts giving me examples.
How about: "John did not enjoy his parsnips." Despite the fact I never even typed the word "parsnips" or indeed any other vegetable, it seems to be taking Mick and the biscuits with it. And not just a plain digestive but the chocolate ones form the Fox's Selection. It's trying to run my life. No paper clip is ever going to brainwash me.
So I had what has to be one of the most annoying things to happen from a computer. Well I blame the computer, the real culprit was my memory stick. Whilst I am writing a novel and have been for the past 4 years, I keep my writing on two memory sticks and two computers, yet I have one memory stick where I tend to write my new material and then later paste it into the other devices to update them. However I hadn't done this for the past week out of sheer laziness and while it is my fault I didn't expect this to happen...
On one day not too long ago, I prepared to write after a whole morning of kidding myself in scribbling useless notes I was never going to use. Eventually sat at my computer, I inserted the memory stick into the laptop and it loaded. The computer recognised the memory stick as memory F but the files didn't pop up. "How peculiar," I thought. I went to the My Computer option and while the computer showed the memory F was indeed there, I clicked on the memory F icon, a massive red cross said "THE MEMORY YOU ARE SEARCHING IS UNOBTAINABLE. PLEASE INSERT FILE F," even though the icon for file F has showed up telling me that the computer has recognised that the memory stick was plugged in. Trying every other memory stick slot on the laptop, I tried my other computer and my friends and so on but still it wouldn't load the files. "Curses," I bellowed. I bellowed a lot of curses. Thankfully I hadn't lost everything but still five pages of writing to which I could vaguely remember. I had to do a swift re-write only without the writing there. In the end the newer text was to me, better than the previous.
But once (if) the novel is finished I'll have to re-write and re-draft the whole thing. I love writing the story but the idea of re-writes and re-writes and re-writes to me is as exciting as seeing a large man in a vest in a scruffy, darkened flat eating soggy, watery cornflakes under a dim lit light bulb swinging from a wire on the ceiling.
While I realise it is my fault for not updating my other saving devices, the memory stick shouldn't have just died. Every time I switch my computer on I try the old memory stick hoping for a miracle. Try resuscitating a moth. That is how difficult and pointless it was (apologies if you like moths)
But from the whole situation I learned that to be a successful writer, which I am still trying to be, is that it is the re-writes that are one of the keys to a good script and a sharp story. Re-writing gives you the opportunity to perfect lines and introduce new ones.
On the plus side of technology however, cameras can take very nice pictures and we can record home videos for family nostalgia. And we can watch TV shows when we want now which is nice. That's all I can think for pros at the moment.
Technology is a fool. It is the court jester prancing around thinking itself to be the icing on what is frankly a disgustingly vile and horribly foul cake which causes immediate obesity.
Technology to be fair is great but causes to me, great stress. Yes it may have given us firstly sound then picture then colour and now HD which is brilliant for things like travel documentaries, but the technology that leaves a turd on my front step is the computer.
How we originally had a black screen and green text which probably gave people illness from just looking at it and the thumping clack of the keyboard. Which back then people thought was the future. How weird must "Space: 1999" look today? I hate, absolutely hate, the useless, crappy, showy-off paper clip that says "You've made an error you pillock. How about this instead which any sensible person would've done anyway." Then it prats about and shows off by morphing into a bike or a book like it were Ditto from Pokemon (or for the older generation, Morph, from 'Morph'). It starts giving me examples.
How about: "John did not enjoy his parsnips." Despite the fact I never even typed the word "parsnips" or indeed any other vegetable, it seems to be taking Mick and the biscuits with it. And not just a plain digestive but the chocolate ones form the Fox's Selection. It's trying to run my life. No paper clip is ever going to brainwash me.
So I had what has to be one of the most annoying things to happen from a computer. Well I blame the computer, the real culprit was my memory stick. Whilst I am writing a novel and have been for the past 4 years, I keep my writing on two memory sticks and two computers, yet I have one memory stick where I tend to write my new material and then later paste it into the other devices to update them. However I hadn't done this for the past week out of sheer laziness and while it is my fault I didn't expect this to happen...
On one day not too long ago, I prepared to write after a whole morning of kidding myself in scribbling useless notes I was never going to use. Eventually sat at my computer, I inserted the memory stick into the laptop and it loaded. The computer recognised the memory stick as memory F but the files didn't pop up. "How peculiar," I thought. I went to the My Computer option and while the computer showed the memory F was indeed there, I clicked on the memory F icon, a massive red cross said "THE MEMORY YOU ARE SEARCHING IS UNOBTAINABLE. PLEASE INSERT FILE F," even though the icon for file F has showed up telling me that the computer has recognised that the memory stick was plugged in. Trying every other memory stick slot on the laptop, I tried my other computer and my friends and so on but still it wouldn't load the files. "Curses," I bellowed. I bellowed a lot of curses. Thankfully I hadn't lost everything but still five pages of writing to which I could vaguely remember. I had to do a swift re-write only without the writing there. In the end the newer text was to me, better than the previous.
But once (if) the novel is finished I'll have to re-write and re-draft the whole thing. I love writing the story but the idea of re-writes and re-writes and re-writes to me is as exciting as seeing a large man in a vest in a scruffy, darkened flat eating soggy, watery cornflakes under a dim lit light bulb swinging from a wire on the ceiling.
While I realise it is my fault for not updating my other saving devices, the memory stick shouldn't have just died. Every time I switch my computer on I try the old memory stick hoping for a miracle. Try resuscitating a moth. That is how difficult and pointless it was (apologies if you like moths)
But from the whole situation I learned that to be a successful writer, which I am still trying to be, is that it is the re-writes that are one of the keys to a good script and a sharp story. Re-writing gives you the opportunity to perfect lines and introduce new ones.
On the plus side of technology however, cameras can take very nice pictures and we can record home videos for family nostalgia. And we can watch TV shows when we want now which is nice. That's all I can think for pros at the moment.
Monday, 8 June 2009
Section 6 - Scriptwriting; Things about it
Apologies for the such lengthy gap between this and the last blog. I have done nothing for as long as I could. Its just been Top Gear and Scrubs for the past couple of weeks. And as much as I love doing as little as possible, it wasn't doing me any good. I've been out a couple of nights to see some shows but I haven't been writing which is what I want and am supposed to be doing.
As I was slowly getting back into my writing stride with 1SPH (1 Sentence Per Hour) on my novel I finally received my 2nd script (my first radio script) back from the BBC writersroom. It wasn't accepted though I was kind of already expecting that. Just have to accept, move on and start again as annoying and as difficult as it sounds. It is forming the new idea, a place or time where a programme is rarely set, and making it funny, that gets the go-ahead. I did this (or at least I think I did).
The script was a bit unique, not the common workplace for example, and I'll happily admit that it wasn't gag after gag. You wouldn't cry with laughter and rewind to listen to it again. Maybe it was a wrong setting, maybe it wasn't funny enough or funny at all or maybe it just wasn't what they were looking for even if it was hilarious. And I didn't laugh at any of my jokes. I think if you laugh at your own gags it can sometimes be a sign that it won't be funny to anyone else. You're obviously going to smile if you've come up with a smart gag or witty one-liner but when you laugh out loud you know that your friend might find it, well... a bit crap. Or very crap. Or slap you in the face for saying it because it was so utterly crap. Or leave you alone to dwell on the sewage that was spewed into their ears. And I apologise for the image that conjures.
Once the fresh idea is in mind then you can begin to expand on your characters and plots. And if you take any advice on how to write a half hour comedy script from a stranger on a blog (ie me) it is always have more than one story in a script. Being able to interweave stories is key to a successful script. And even though I failed it is still a necessity.
I have always been told to make the title of the show as appealing as possible. That is what the person will see or hear first. That said, how do shows like 'My Sharks Auntie Lives in Norfolk' on TwonkboxTV channel 666 get aired? And there's the answer. I'd watch 'My Sharks Auntie Lives In Norfolk' but maybe only for a minute until I realised it wasn't a documentary but a cheap, tacky 70's "sitcom".
And as random as this is, I saw Derren Brown's new show 'Enigma' last week. It rocked the room something good. Until segment 7...
As I was slowly getting back into my writing stride with 1SPH (1 Sentence Per Hour) on my novel I finally received my 2nd script (my first radio script) back from the BBC writersroom. It wasn't accepted though I was kind of already expecting that. Just have to accept, move on and start again as annoying and as difficult as it sounds. It is forming the new idea, a place or time where a programme is rarely set, and making it funny, that gets the go-ahead. I did this (or at least I think I did).
The script was a bit unique, not the common workplace for example, and I'll happily admit that it wasn't gag after gag. You wouldn't cry with laughter and rewind to listen to it again. Maybe it was a wrong setting, maybe it wasn't funny enough or funny at all or maybe it just wasn't what they were looking for even if it was hilarious. And I didn't laugh at any of my jokes. I think if you laugh at your own gags it can sometimes be a sign that it won't be funny to anyone else. You're obviously going to smile if you've come up with a smart gag or witty one-liner but when you laugh out loud you know that your friend might find it, well... a bit crap. Or very crap. Or slap you in the face for saying it because it was so utterly crap. Or leave you alone to dwell on the sewage that was spewed into their ears. And I apologise for the image that conjures.
Once the fresh idea is in mind then you can begin to expand on your characters and plots. And if you take any advice on how to write a half hour comedy script from a stranger on a blog (ie me) it is always have more than one story in a script. Being able to interweave stories is key to a successful script. And even though I failed it is still a necessity.
I have always been told to make the title of the show as appealing as possible. That is what the person will see or hear first. That said, how do shows like 'My Sharks Auntie Lives in Norfolk' on TwonkboxTV channel 666 get aired? And there's the answer. I'd watch 'My Sharks Auntie Lives In Norfolk' but maybe only for a minute until I realised it wasn't a documentary but a cheap, tacky 70's "sitcom".
And as random as this is, I saw Derren Brown's new show 'Enigma' last week. It rocked the room something good. Until segment 7...
Sunday, 12 April 2009
Chapter 5 - Why trying to do stuff is hard
I'm writing an essay. Saying it is easy. Writing it... not so much.
I cannot stay focused. Got up at 10am today, stayed up until after midnight the night before writing yet again. Only this time not my personal comedy hobby novel/sitcom stuff. I was doing the early stages of this essay; The history, manufacturing and consumption of comedy via BBC Radio. I tend to write at my best at 11pm onwards which is bad as I am missing a huge and frankly obvious 10 hours of writing time during the day. On average a pro writer does 3000 words a day (I think, don't quote me). So if I did 3000 words over 10 hours that is 300 words an hour (300wph). Perfectly manageable. As I am the kind of person preferring 11pm to write, I get pretty knackered by 1am. That leaves me at 1000wph. 1000wph! That like driving to work at 150mph; or you could look at it as living in the world if Jeremy Clarkson were in charge. Maximum motorway speed 70mph, anyone under will be fined.
Very rarely can I stay up all night. From the 6 odd years I've been trying, I've wrote through the night at max 3 times. But anyways, the essay. I spent today trying to write what I should have done the day before. I did half of it half an hour ago. Just got to wait til late Monday night to carry on. What to do in the meantime...?
I cannot stay focused. Got up at 10am today, stayed up until after midnight the night before writing yet again. Only this time not my personal comedy hobby novel/sitcom stuff. I was doing the early stages of this essay; The history, manufacturing and consumption of comedy via BBC Radio. I tend to write at my best at 11pm onwards which is bad as I am missing a huge and frankly obvious 10 hours of writing time during the day. On average a pro writer does 3000 words a day (I think, don't quote me). So if I did 3000 words over 10 hours that is 300 words an hour (300wph). Perfectly manageable. As I am the kind of person preferring 11pm to write, I get pretty knackered by 1am. That leaves me at 1000wph. 1000wph! That like driving to work at 150mph; or you could look at it as living in the world if Jeremy Clarkson were in charge. Maximum motorway speed 70mph, anyone under will be fined.
Very rarely can I stay up all night. From the 6 odd years I've been trying, I've wrote through the night at max 3 times. But anyways, the essay. I spent today trying to write what I should have done the day before. I did half of it half an hour ago. Just got to wait til late Monday night to carry on. What to do in the meantime...?
Sunday, 5 April 2009
Part Four: Doing things because you're told to.
I was listening to classical FM (let me explain) because I am trying to write and I find classical music perfect as I can happily listen and not get distracted due to no words.
Anyway, after a particular piece finished (after 6 minutes) an advert came on. 'Have a great night sleep with Horlicks. Visit www.Horlicks.co.uk to find out more,' the voice over said. What are adverts for. I visited www.Horlicks.co.uk. Wow! A hefty website. A ferret sleeps on average 20 hours a day. I didn't know that. I'm being educated and I didn't ask for it. I'm not complaining. If the question 'How many hours a day on average does a ferret sleep for?' comes up on a pub quiz machine or Trivial Pursuit, I'm sorted. Until the next question most likely to do with football comes up and I'll have lost the £1 (in the pub quiz machine scenario) because I know pfft about football. Apart from Middlesbrough are probably going to get relegated.
www.Horlicks.co.uk (ironically looked at the website at quarter past 10) nevertheless gave me insight as to how I sleep and what my sleeping positions tell about me personality-wise. But my problem is: how do I know what position I'm sleeping in? I am asleep. When I wake up I shuffle and I tend to forget because I usually have other things on my mind. Namely 'Do I have to get up?', 'I don't want to get up?', 'I must get up or I'll be late,' and 'sod it I'll have a lie in.' The last is a particular favourite.
After I consulted myself on what position I wake up in (or from what I can remember) I tend to be on one side, legs stretched and arms out, www.Horlicks.co.uk suggested I was sociable, laid back and the other said suspicious and cynical (aren't suspicious and cynical moreorless the same?) yet generous and giving (aren't generous and giving moreorless the same?). I sleep like a yearner and a log. A log-yearner. A yearner-log. I was slightly offended being called a log after visiting a website by chance. But at least I how long a ferret sleeps. On average. 20 hours in case you didn't know.
Earlier in the day Ardal O'Hanlon was suggesting (via a radio ad, not in person, sadly) I go to Ireland and enter a conker competition. Yes! I shall! At some point... just not now.
And by the way, a ferret sleeps on average for 10 hours... no sorry, 20 hours a day.
Anyway, after a particular piece finished (after 6 minutes) an advert came on. 'Have a great night sleep with Horlicks. Visit www.Horlicks.co.uk to find out more,' the voice over said. What are adverts for. I visited www.Horlicks.co.uk. Wow! A hefty website. A ferret sleeps on average 20 hours a day. I didn't know that. I'm being educated and I didn't ask for it. I'm not complaining. If the question 'How many hours a day on average does a ferret sleep for?' comes up on a pub quiz machine or Trivial Pursuit, I'm sorted. Until the next question most likely to do with football comes up and I'll have lost the £1 (in the pub quiz machine scenario) because I know pfft about football. Apart from Middlesbrough are probably going to get relegated.
www.Horlicks.co.uk (ironically looked at the website at quarter past 10) nevertheless gave me insight as to how I sleep and what my sleeping positions tell about me personality-wise. But my problem is: how do I know what position I'm sleeping in? I am asleep. When I wake up I shuffle and I tend to forget because I usually have other things on my mind. Namely 'Do I have to get up?', 'I don't want to get up?', 'I must get up or I'll be late,' and 'sod it I'll have a lie in.' The last is a particular favourite.
After I consulted myself on what position I wake up in (or from what I can remember) I tend to be on one side, legs stretched and arms out, www.Horlicks.co.uk suggested I was sociable, laid back and the other said suspicious and cynical (aren't suspicious and cynical moreorless the same?) yet generous and giving (aren't generous and giving moreorless the same?). I sleep like a yearner and a log. A log-yearner. A yearner-log. I was slightly offended being called a log after visiting a website by chance. But at least I how long a ferret sleeps. On average. 20 hours in case you didn't know.
Earlier in the day Ardal O'Hanlon was suggesting (via a radio ad, not in person, sadly) I go to Ireland and enter a conker competition. Yes! I shall! At some point... just not now.
And by the way, a ferret sleeps on average for 10 hours... no sorry, 20 hours a day.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
